Toddlers

So, I see an analyst fairly regularly. I find it very helpful to spend an hour or so every fortnight (or so) just talking through things and trying to untangle some of the bigger psychological knots. Having good mental health is really important and talking therapy is the best way, I've found, to maintain that.

And I really like my current analyst so I was talking to her about the donation.

I have found recently that when I've walked past a particularly cute toddler (not a baby and not a child, but a toddler) that my heart's just gone out and I've thought, 'In a few years time there'll be a little kid, hopefully, running around all healthy and well fed and clean like that little toddler is. And they'll look a bit like me. They'll be a bit like me. Blue eyes and blond hair. Argumentative.' And then I remind myself that blond hair and blue eyes are recessive and the kid is unlikely to have either. I remind myself that personality isn't genetic.

Yet, it's just so enormous - a little kid will my biological stamp. That's huge.

And then I think about the family I'm donating to. The mum picking up that kid, and calling it by the name she'll give it. How it will love her and she'll care for it. And I feel, as always, an immense sense of relief. But mingled with that something like... sadness.

It would be cool, right at this moment, to have a little toddler playing around in the background. But it's such a passing feeling. I'm glad I'm alone. It's 4am. A kid would need to be asleep now anyway, but this is the quiet time when I work best. So, yeah, kids are impractical.

I wonder, though, if the kid will have blue eyes.

I really, really like my eyes.

Blue/grey like the Scottish sea.