Injecting myself in the stomach

At least it's not the arm - AM I RIGHT

No, seriously, this whole experience is making me feel like a junkie. I'm unemployed, I may be homeless soon, and I'm stabbing myself with a needle in my bathroom.

I did not expect to feel so scummy.

I went round to a friend's house last night and because I need to inject myself at the same time each evening I took the hormones with me. Was like, "Er, do you mind if I shoot up in your bathroom?"

I guess it's not the same. Heroin would make me warm and fuzzy for several hours. These hormones are making my legs tingle and not- like - in a good way. I'm worried about my circulation. I've spent the last few days trying to elevate my legs and I haven't been to the gym. I'm hoping to go swimming on wednesday, but I don't know how safe that will be. I mean, I wouldn't go swimming drunk and I have a lot more experience being drunk than being full of random egg maturing hormones.

The first injection was really scary. I've had piercings, I have quite a large tattoo on my leg that hurt quite a lot. But I've never had to physically inject myself before. It felt really unnatural and I spent about five minutes holding the needle in one hand and my belly fat in the other and trying to persuade myself to do it.

But tonight was night three and I think I'm getting the hang of it. We'll see. I need to fly down to London later this week so I'll be taking the kit with me. In a way that's kind of cool.

I'm really proud of myself for going through with this after the scheduling looked like it was seriously going to get in the way of my other life plans.

I can do this!

Toddlers

So, I see an analyst fairly regularly. I find it very helpful to spend an hour or so every fortnight (or so) just talking through things and trying to untangle some of the bigger psychological knots. Having good mental health is really important and talking therapy is the best way, I've found, to maintain that.

And I really like my current analyst so I was talking to her about the donation.

I have found recently that when I've walked past a particularly cute toddler (not a baby and not a child, but a toddler) that my heart's just gone out and I've thought, 'In a few years time there'll be a little kid, hopefully, running around all healthy and well fed and clean like that little toddler is. And they'll look a bit like me. They'll be a bit like me. Blue eyes and blond hair. Argumentative.' And then I remind myself that blond hair and blue eyes are recessive and the kid is unlikely to have either. I remind myself that personality isn't genetic.

Yet, it's just so enormous - a little kid will my biological stamp. That's huge.

And then I think about the family I'm donating to. The mum picking up that kid, and calling it by the name she'll give it. How it will love her and she'll care for it. And I feel, as always, an immense sense of relief. But mingled with that something like... sadness.

It would be cool, right at this moment, to have a little toddler playing around in the background. But it's such a passing feeling. I'm glad I'm alone. It's 4am. A kid would need to be asleep now anyway, but this is the quiet time when I work best. So, yeah, kids are impractical.

I wonder, though, if the kid will have blue eyes.

I really, really like my eyes.

Blue/grey like the Scottish sea.

Poppers

I've been trying to think what the nasel spray reminds me of, and I've figured it out. Four and a bit years ago, when I was in my first year of university, a gay male friend of mine let me try some poppers before we hit the clubs.

Taking a snort of liquid from a small bottle is exactly the same action (although a nasel spray nosle would have been useful at the time). It's muscle memory.

I think the reason my friend had them in the first place (and I don't know why poppers are plural since it's a little liquid in a little bottle) was that they relax your asshole so anal sex hurts less. I was just curious though. I've got a curious nature.

Right at the start of the Aids crisis there was some speculation that it was poppers that were causing GRID. I have some photocopies of old issues of Gay News that mention it. But I didn't find out that snippet of gay history until after I'd tried them.

God, thinking about GRID always makes me feel really sad. The thing that struck me from reading the old copies of Gay News was the fear and the crushing horror these community journalists were feeling. It just struck you how monumentally unfair it was, after all the trials and victories of the 60s and 70s, for the fear and suspicion and discrimination to just come flooding back.

I need to remember to switch over to the second bottle of nasal spray.

And I must remember to keep hydrated.

My thighs really hurt. But I think that's because I did 32 squats yesterday.

Hormones in the fridge

At the jobcentre today I was telling my advisor about this (because the financial compensation may interfere with my JSA) and she said something about my mum being able to help with the donation in terms of support and noticing if I was having a bad reaction to the drugs.

I was like, "Er, my mum isn't very happy about the whole donation thing. I expect she's a bit annoyed that there's a bag of hormones in the fridge right now."

And the jobcentre woman was like, "Oh, I thought this donation was a happy thing."

I was all, "Well, yeah, you'd think so."

The donation starts to interfere with my life

Reposted in part from my journalism blog - http://anahine.wordpress.com/


So,  yesterday I had my first scan at the hospital (which was a vaginal probe, not the nicest of surprises I've got to say). There was a bit of a problem with scheduling at it looked as if I might not be able to go through with the donation as I'm supposed to be moving to Manchester and starting a journalism course in three weeks.

I cried myself to sleep last night.

It would be so disappointing now that I've had the psychological build up and the first round of chemicals and all the appointments to fail at the final hurdle.

Especially as it took me months to write the 'letter to your genetic child' thing that you have the option of including. 

Today we managed to sort it out somewhat, but it's going to be a really close call. I'll start the injections this friday, have two scans and then hopefully the donation will happen the week of the 26th.

My heart is in knots and my stomach is in my mouth. I feel all messed up and upset.

Hormones in the fridge - photo

The purple bag to the right hand side on the top shelf is full of hormones.

I wish I had my own flat and could fill my fridge with crazy shit in peace.

Was speaking to one of my friends about the process of donation (and how many feelings I'm having) and a thing that struck me was how in my circles no-one is having kids. Yes, occassionally someone from secondary school has a baby and it goes up on Facebook, or a friend in their mid 30s has a kid with their husband, but the vast, vast majority of my friends are more at the living-with-a-partner stage of their lives. If that.

I mean, we all just graduated in the last couple of years (or haven't graduated yet).

So I feel like I'm worrying about alcohol consumption or getting fat or making a human being all on my own.

It's a bit weird.

Again, so glad I'm not raising a baby before the majority of my friends. It's just donation. No biggy.

Still. It's odd. She said, "I know I can't understand how you're feeling..."

It's interesting to be having a mini journey that no-one else is having. I hope I meet someone, someday, who also has donated some of their eggs. I hope some of my friends are inspired by how easy it is and do it themselves (once I've been through the whole process and can honestly recommend it).

I'm making a freaking baby.