Scan photo

This is a photo of my womb when it was full of eggs.

Egg Donation: I wish I could have brought a camera

Things you need to know:

- I've never broken any bones.
- I still have my appendix.
- I fainted once giving blood.



It's weird to voluntarily go to hospital for surgery. As the nurse put the cannula into my hand I was like, "Oooh, cool!" That may have been the wrong response.

But going to hospital voluntarily means that I was psychologically prepared.

After signing a bunch of documents and having a little identifying plastic tag secured onto my wrist (which, oddly, had the word 'female' in brackets on it rather than, say, my blood type or some more important information) I was given a hospital robe to change into. It hadn't occurred to me that I'd be wearing one and I was surprised how ugly it was. A couple different nurses told me off for using my phone, but there was quite a bit of waiting around so what else was I supposed to do? Did a little tweeting in the loo.

Then it started. The doctor introduced herself, asked if I minded some PhD students watching the proceedings. I was like, "Yeah, no worries," because I enjoy being part of SCIENCE. The cannula went into my hand followed by the liquid that would, "Give me nice dreams." Then I was being wheeled into surgery.

Being wheeled around the hospital on the wheely bed was pretty great. It was like being part of a TV drama. And I wasn't scared or in pain, like you might normally be. My stomach was aching a little from the ovary stimulating drugs, but it wasn't like I'd just taken a bullet to the chest. I was watching all these health professionals leaning over me, pushing me through this sterile hospital environment - white/grey hospitals and heavy doors - and I kept thinking, "This is really fun. What good practice."

For what?! But then, statistically, something nasty and violent may well happen to me during my life. Especially if I become the kind of reporter I want to be. I wasn't crying and I wasn't screaming. I wasn't scared about what would happen once I left the hospital. There was no external danger. Nothing to have flashbacks about later.

Going to hospital voluntarily means that I am psychologically prepared.


This morning I posted an update on Facebook. I'll repost it here verbatim. Chances are if you're reading this you got here from Facebook anyway.

So, egg donation update: AFTERMATH.

Hospital a bit of a blur. Injection in hand, bit dopy, wheeled into surgery, had surgery (apparently asked a bunch of questions but have no memory), got wheeled back to ward, ate toast, was picked up by the lovely Isla Cameron and Gabriella Da Cruz Welsh. Went to tesco, they bought me ice-cream, came home and watched X-Men: First Class.

BUT THEN, towards end of movie started to feel v.sick. Went to bathroom and said hello to my ice cream again (got to hand it to Ben and Jerry's that is still tasted good on the way back up), in bit of pain, drank some water, threw up again, phoned hospital who told me not to worry, had some paracetamol, passed out in bathroom, mum put me to bed.

Everything hurts. Feeling a bit sorry for myself.

But later this afternoon I went to the loo and there was a bit of diluted blood or pinkish fluid and I thought, "Hey, this is probably physically close to how an abortion feels." And I felt stronger. Like I'd passed some sort of mid-twenties female milestone.

Because this whole experience has been defined by it's relation to other more common things. I had a scan and asked for a photograph and they were exactly the same size and form as baby scan photos. They must use the same equipment. It was weird to look at the images and not see a baby, instead seeing this honeycomb of follicles.

The doctors told me they managed to get seventeen eggs. That's more than they usually get and they were very pleased. I'll phone up in late spring and ask if there was a successful pregnancy. They won't even have transferred them yet. They're fertilised outside the body, then the embryos are observed for a few days and then they're transferred into the woman who's carrying the child. In my case that will be the mother. I wonder how the recipients are doing and whether they're wondering how I am.

I'm upright on the sofa. And feeling strong. Yes, my stomach hurts when I laugh - but it's done! I can start going to the gym again and taking my birth control and resume the normal tenor of my life.

I feel stupidly and immensely proud of myself.

The recipients are not lesbians. My mum is happier.

So, I was talking at my mum about the donation (because it's important to 'normalise' my life by talking about it as I would if it were normal) and mentioned something about the recipients. Something like, "the father -" and she was all, "Oh? I thought your eggs were going to a lesbian couple. Oh, now I feel a bit better about this whole thing."

And I was like, "O.o"

Seriously, that was my face. What a completely fucked up thing to say to your lesbian daughter. Um, well, fine. I'm totally fine with that. Not upset by that AT ALL.






*lesbian/bi-sexual, daughter... point is I may well MARRY a woman and want to start a family with MY LEGAL WIFE at some point in the future. Y'no, like people do.

My Freedom Of Choice

I've been listening to songs about abortion and miscarriage and adoption, because there are no songs about egg or sperm donation (that I can find).

It's funny how what I'm doing here is just another way of expressing my freedom of choice. My reproductive autonomy.

Giving two fingers up to anyone who's ever used, "But think of all the women who can't have kids!" as a premise against abortion.

At this moment I feel a lot of solidarity with other young fertile women. I'm taking one for the team here.

Or something.

Sometimes it's difficult to know what is okay to say and what isn't.

Our wombs are political sites.

Mine is currently full of the building blocks for someone else's child.

Loads of follicles

So had a scan today. There were loads of follicles. The nurse seemed worried, took my blood and went to speak to a doctor. I went home and they phoned me later on to tell me I don't need to come back in tomorrow or reduce my dose of the injection but that I should phone them if I start to feel ill.

My stomach hurts. It's a bit like a period pain. Kinda weird. I'm drinking lots of water.

But the good news is that because there were more follicles than they were expecting the donation handover should happen sooner. Monday hopefully.

Which is good because I've been invited for a few trial days at a news agency. I'm hoping they'll offer me a job (though if I get the funding for the journalism course I won't be able to take them up on it, or at least I'll have a dilemma to mull over).

Injecting myself in the stomach

At least it's not the arm - AM I RIGHT

No, seriously, this whole experience is making me feel like a junkie. I'm unemployed, I may be homeless soon, and I'm stabbing myself with a needle in my bathroom.

I did not expect to feel so scummy.

I went round to a friend's house last night and because I need to inject myself at the same time each evening I took the hormones with me. Was like, "Er, do you mind if I shoot up in your bathroom?"

I guess it's not the same. Heroin would make me warm and fuzzy for several hours. These hormones are making my legs tingle and not- like - in a good way. I'm worried about my circulation. I've spent the last few days trying to elevate my legs and I haven't been to the gym. I'm hoping to go swimming on wednesday, but I don't know how safe that will be. I mean, I wouldn't go swimming drunk and I have a lot more experience being drunk than being full of random egg maturing hormones.

The first injection was really scary. I've had piercings, I have quite a large tattoo on my leg that hurt quite a lot. But I've never had to physically inject myself before. It felt really unnatural and I spent about five minutes holding the needle in one hand and my belly fat in the other and trying to persuade myself to do it.

But tonight was night three and I think I'm getting the hang of it. We'll see. I need to fly down to London later this week so I'll be taking the kit with me. In a way that's kind of cool.

I'm really proud of myself for going through with this after the scheduling looked like it was seriously going to get in the way of my other life plans.

I can do this!

Toddlers

So, I see an analyst fairly regularly. I find it very helpful to spend an hour or so every fortnight (or so) just talking through things and trying to untangle some of the bigger psychological knots. Having good mental health is really important and talking therapy is the best way, I've found, to maintain that.

And I really like my current analyst so I was talking to her about the donation.

I have found recently that when I've walked past a particularly cute toddler (not a baby and not a child, but a toddler) that my heart's just gone out and I've thought, 'In a few years time there'll be a little kid, hopefully, running around all healthy and well fed and clean like that little toddler is. And they'll look a bit like me. They'll be a bit like me. Blue eyes and blond hair. Argumentative.' And then I remind myself that blond hair and blue eyes are recessive and the kid is unlikely to have either. I remind myself that personality isn't genetic.

Yet, it's just so enormous - a little kid will my biological stamp. That's huge.

And then I think about the family I'm donating to. The mum picking up that kid, and calling it by the name she'll give it. How it will love her and she'll care for it. And I feel, as always, an immense sense of relief. But mingled with that something like... sadness.

It would be cool, right at this moment, to have a little toddler playing around in the background. But it's such a passing feeling. I'm glad I'm alone. It's 4am. A kid would need to be asleep now anyway, but this is the quiet time when I work best. So, yeah, kids are impractical.

I wonder, though, if the kid will have blue eyes.

I really, really like my eyes.

Blue/grey like the Scottish sea.

Poppers

I've been trying to think what the nasel spray reminds me of, and I've figured it out. Four and a bit years ago, when I was in my first year of university, a gay male friend of mine let me try some poppers before we hit the clubs.

Taking a snort of liquid from a small bottle is exactly the same action (although a nasel spray nosle would have been useful at the time). It's muscle memory.

I think the reason my friend had them in the first place (and I don't know why poppers are plural since it's a little liquid in a little bottle) was that they relax your asshole so anal sex hurts less. I was just curious though. I've got a curious nature.

Right at the start of the Aids crisis there was some speculation that it was poppers that were causing GRID. I have some photocopies of old issues of Gay News that mention it. But I didn't find out that snippet of gay history until after I'd tried them.

God, thinking about GRID always makes me feel really sad. The thing that struck me from reading the old copies of Gay News was the fear and the crushing horror these community journalists were feeling. It just struck you how monumentally unfair it was, after all the trials and victories of the 60s and 70s, for the fear and suspicion and discrimination to just come flooding back.

I need to remember to switch over to the second bottle of nasal spray.

And I must remember to keep hydrated.

My thighs really hurt. But I think that's because I did 32 squats yesterday.

Hormones in the fridge

At the jobcentre today I was telling my advisor about this (because the financial compensation may interfere with my JSA) and she said something about my mum being able to help with the donation in terms of support and noticing if I was having a bad reaction to the drugs.

I was like, "Er, my mum isn't very happy about the whole donation thing. I expect she's a bit annoyed that there's a bag of hormones in the fridge right now."

And the jobcentre woman was like, "Oh, I thought this donation was a happy thing."

I was all, "Well, yeah, you'd think so."

The donation starts to interfere with my life

Reposted in part from my journalism blog - http://anahine.wordpress.com/


So,  yesterday I had my first scan at the hospital (which was a vaginal probe, not the nicest of surprises I've got to say). There was a bit of a problem with scheduling at it looked as if I might not be able to go through with the donation as I'm supposed to be moving to Manchester and starting a journalism course in three weeks.

I cried myself to sleep last night.

It would be so disappointing now that I've had the psychological build up and the first round of chemicals and all the appointments to fail at the final hurdle.

Especially as it took me months to write the 'letter to your genetic child' thing that you have the option of including. 

Today we managed to sort it out somewhat, but it's going to be a really close call. I'll start the injections this friday, have two scans and then hopefully the donation will happen the week of the 26th.

My heart is in knots and my stomach is in my mouth. I feel all messed up and upset.

Hormones in the fridge - photo

The purple bag to the right hand side on the top shelf is full of hormones.

I wish I had my own flat and could fill my fridge with crazy shit in peace.

Was speaking to one of my friends about the process of donation (and how many feelings I'm having) and a thing that struck me was how in my circles no-one is having kids. Yes, occassionally someone from secondary school has a baby and it goes up on Facebook, or a friend in their mid 30s has a kid with their husband, but the vast, vast majority of my friends are more at the living-with-a-partner stage of their lives. If that.

I mean, we all just graduated in the last couple of years (or haven't graduated yet).

So I feel like I'm worrying about alcohol consumption or getting fat or making a human being all on my own.

It's a bit weird.

Again, so glad I'm not raising a baby before the majority of my friends. It's just donation. No biggy.

Still. It's odd. She said, "I know I can't understand how you're feeling..."

It's interesting to be having a mini journey that no-one else is having. I hope I meet someone, someday, who also has donated some of their eggs. I hope some of my friends are inspired by how easy it is and do it themselves (once I've been through the whole process and can honestly recommend it).

I'm making a freaking baby.

Not Being A Mum

It's summer, which for some reason means that people are out with their kids more. I find myself saying a silent prayer of thanks that they're not my kids.

Part of me thought this whole process might make me a bit broody, but no it's really making me really glad I don't have kids.

There are so many things I want to do with my life that would be ten times harder with children. I want to be able to work late, leave the country at a moment's notice, not come home for a few days, ride on the back of a motorbike, get into relationships that aren't good for me, blast loud music and dance around the place, relocate, drive to a different city in the middle of the night, eat in nice restaurants, where white clothes, have expensive handbags, join the army.

I've wanted to be an adult ever since I can remember. To drink wine and talk about politics, be able to just walk out of a situation you don't want to be in and go for a walk to clear your head, to come home to an empty apartment and make yourself a cup of tea and just sit. I don't want to be responsible for anyone but me. I want my shit together. I want to be independent. Without dependants. Free.

I think I'll genuinely be happy if I never have children.

But this way my fertility doesn't go to waste.

Dryness (and selfishness)

So my skin, my face, my vagina (sorry, but this is a blog about fertility I kind need to tell you about how my junk is dealing with the egg donation too) everything is so dry! I woke up gasping for a drink of water. I've definitely had my eight glasses today. I'm like a fish gulping it down. The dryness means that my skin has broken out with acne, which is quite annoying. It has to be the suprecur. -------------------------------

 It's been almost painful going to bars and pubs and not being able to drink like I normally would (since I'm only supposed to be drinking two units a week of alcohol). I like a drink and it's definitely been the hardest part of the process so far. I also feel like a bit of a douche going, "Ooooh, I can't because of the baby." I don't tend to say it like that, but sometimes I have. I mean, it's true - I can't drink too much because it may affect the healthiness of my eggs, the success of the egg transfer and pregnancy, and the health of the potential child.

One of my favourite novels, We Need To Talk About Kevin, has this scene where the main character, Eva, is having her one glass of red wine that she's 'allowed' each week and her husband barges into the flat and goes off on her for being selfish. It's a great passage because it really highlights the way the character resents being pregnant, because it's like her body isn't her own anymore. Yes, (you might be thinking) that's really obvious but it's also quite profound. Suddenly my body, which has always only belonged to me, has become part of a wider process and it's definitely throwing it into a new light for me. I'm amazed it's not stressing me out a lot more, but I think I'm conscious of the fact that I've willingly entered into this agreement and the physical side effects are minimal and aren't going to last longer than two months or so.

I have been reading up on the effects of the drugs, though, and I'm a bit... disturbed to learn that the injections (that I'll be starting in the middle of August, if all goes to plan) may make my stomach swell up and make me look around four months pregnant. That may not be true (and let's pray that it isn't) but I was surprised at how much I didn't like the idea. I don't really deserve the flat stomach I have, since I barely exercise, but I'm still proud of my thin, young, twenty-two-year-old frame and I don't want to 'ruin' it. The idea definitely throws up a lot of ugly thoughts, thoughts I'm not proud of having. Maybe it will spur me on to working out more regularly if I've got pseudo-baby fat to lose. Seems quite petty, but y'no, I'm not getting a baby out of it. So hoping for a more responsible exercise regime isn't really that selfish, is it?

That is what I'm enjoying about this experience the most; it's just confirming all the things I already knew about myself that would make me a terrible mother. I can't WAIT to get blind drunk once this whole process is over. I am absolutely thrilled that I won't be turning my body inside out to push a skull the size of a grapefruit out of my vag. I am so incredibly happy that in a few months I will still be a single, independent, graduate whose top priority is getting properly trained and starting on her career. No baby for me, no baby for me, la la a la la la.

So while if all goes well someone is going to go home with a healthy, happy little human grown from the gametes I provide, I'm still utterly psyched that person isn't going to be me. We live in a beautiful moment in human history. They want a baby but they can't make one. I can make one and I really don't want one. SWAPSIES.

-------------------------------------------

I don't know exactly what I'm supposed to be writing in this blog, but I think it's best if I just write how I feel and document the technical process as best as I can. It's probably not going to be pretty. Sorry, but, not sorry.

Is it socially acceptable to use nasal spray in the street?

Or will you just look like you're sniffing glue?


Since I have to take the suprecur four times a day and space them out I've just been carrying it around in my handbag. I'm all unemployed and on the dole right now, which means I've been walking everywhere, and a couple of times today I'd wondered if it would be socially acceptable to just sit down and take my suprecur.

I don't think it's illegal to take medicine in the street. Maybe it's one of those things, like eating a sandwich, where no-one's going to say anything unless you sit in their closey.

Hum.

Suprecur and chemical preparation for egg donation

This is suprecur:

It's a nasal spray that I've started taking today. I've to use it 4 times per day (during waking hours) for the next 2 - 3 weeks.
 
What suprecur does is shut down my reproductive cycle. It basically stops the message getting through to my ovaries to mature my usual monthly egg. It is, literally, the menopause in a nasal spray.

The purpose of this is to make it easier to synchronise my cycle with the woman or surrogate who is getting some of my eggs. I started the process of egg donation in January 2013 - by going to my GP and saying, "Erm, I'd like to donate some of my eggs. How do I, like, do that?" - and this is the chemical preparation finally starting.

In the meantime I've had blood tests and genetic screenings (turns out I have pretty decent genetics, I'll summarise that letter at some point here because it was like having your horoscope read, but with science!) and 'implications' counselling. I came off my birth control and for a few months there was a bit of a wait while a recipient was chosen for my eggs, and they tried to work out how out of sync we were (the answer is; very).

Hence the suprecur.

Egg Update

I got my blood test results back today. Everything's fine; no HIV, no Hep B or C, no syphilis, no mutations for cystic fibrosis. It's a short letter and it ends; "We are now in a position to proceed with egg donation, and will be in contact in the near future." Ahhhhhh! Yes! So. Fucking, Psyched.

Egg Donatoring

Just back from an 'implications' counselling session in the assisted conception ward of the local hospital.  It was a breeze, really pleased. I was like, 'Yep, I want to donate some of my eggs to help infertile couples and because it's the right thing to do.' The woman was like, 'Have you considered blah.' I'd go, 'Yep, I've considered blah...' We discussed risks to my fertility, what my family planning plans (?) were for the future (if I had any), how I'd found out about egg donation, what I knew of the process, how I felt about the possibility of a child contacting me in 19+ years time etc. It was actually a lot of fun and she seemed satisfied I'd thought about it in a lot of depth. I have. I wish I had a sketch to put under here. I'll add one at a later date. But basically - I'm one step closer to donating (some of) my eggs! Wooooop!

Egg Donation Comic